Recently I went to a concert at Edinburgh's Usher Hall where one of the soloists was an incredibly handsome and talented young Macedonian guitarist. I was introduced to him at the interval and told him enthusiastically how much I appreciated his playing. I also told him how gorgeous I thought he was. To be exact, I told him that I'd marry him and leave my husband (this was clearly banter, and my husband was standing beside me at the time). He took it warmly and charmingly and responded with matching repartee.
So here's the question. Had I been a 61 year old man and he a gorgeous young female artist, would I be accused of sexism, of being patronising? Is it okay for a 61 year old woman to say these things because I believe my guitarist to be perfectly safe from any power play from me? Because I believe there is zero chance that anything I might say to him would be received with any real or threatening sexual connotation?
Social norms of course change all the time, as we keep being told when men's treatment to young women in the media and entertainment industries in the past are being discussed. However social norms have a habit of crashing into professional behaviour - which is where the Big Trouble starts.
There's been a bit of a stir over Jill Abramson, New York Times' executive editor, who was criticised in Politico for being "... on occasion, stubborn and condescending. She snaps at people in meetings (sometimes)..." Emily Bell's excellent piece in The Guardian Jill Abramson and the wholly sexist narrative of the woman in power covers this better than I ever could. She asks, what would the narrative be if this had been about James Abramson and not Jill?
What happens if the narrative of what we do gets gender-switched?
So there seems to be a few gems here:
First, it's not just men who need to think about the way they address women, especially those younger and less powerful then themselves - whether socially or professionally. Women should also be more aware of the things we say to younger men, or men lower down in the power pecking order than ourselves. We shouldn't replicate men's mistakes back through the centuries.
Second, when writing or commenting or making a throwaway remark about someone's behaviour, we might stop for a second and imagine how we might have said/written it if the genders were switched? Would we have used the same words with the same emotion? Would we judge in the same way?
Third, we need to start young. "just like a boy/girl" comments when our daughter smiles obediently or our grandson gets himself in a scrape are just not good enough. Adults have real and long lasting influence over children's future adult behaviour so we need to take this responsibility seriously.
Fourth, when appraising, leading or managing teams, practice gender-blind discussions. Imagine the person you're appraising/reprimanding/praising is the opposite gender and see whether this would cause you to change your tone and your words. More importantly, see how you might value, appreciate and judge behaviours differently if stereotypes were removed.
Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady wondered why can't a woman be more like a man? Sadly too many leadership and management behavioural assumptions are that women are fine working and competing equally alongside men, but corporate behaviours are still set by men.
Men and women are different.
In my younger days, when 1960s feminism was about gaining a voice and power we assumed we would need to behave like men in order to take our rightful place beside them, instead of trailing behind them. We've moved forward now - not enough by miles but forward nevertheless. Women's leadership and management styles, their participation and involvement in government and corporate life has been demonstrated again and again to improve performance and value.
It is now up to us to influence corporate behaviour, not simply be more like a man.
So here's the question. Had I been a 61 year old man and he a gorgeous young female artist, would I be accused of sexism, of being patronising? Is it okay for a 61 year old woman to say these things because I believe my guitarist to be perfectly safe from any power play from me? Because I believe there is zero chance that anything I might say to him would be received with any real or threatening sexual connotation?
Social norms of course change all the time, as we keep being told when men's treatment to young women in the media and entertainment industries in the past are being discussed. However social norms have a habit of crashing into professional behaviour - which is where the Big Trouble starts.
There's been a bit of a stir over Jill Abramson, New York Times' executive editor, who was criticised in Politico for being "... on occasion, stubborn and condescending. She snaps at people in meetings (sometimes)..." Emily Bell's excellent piece in The Guardian Jill Abramson and the wholly sexist narrative of the woman in power covers this better than I ever could. She asks, what would the narrative be if this had been about James Abramson and not Jill?
What happens if the narrative of what we do gets gender-switched?
So there seems to be a few gems here:
First, it's not just men who need to think about the way they address women, especially those younger and less powerful then themselves - whether socially or professionally. Women should also be more aware of the things we say to younger men, or men lower down in the power pecking order than ourselves. We shouldn't replicate men's mistakes back through the centuries.
Second, when writing or commenting or making a throwaway remark about someone's behaviour, we might stop for a second and imagine how we might have said/written it if the genders were switched? Would we have used the same words with the same emotion? Would we judge in the same way?
Third, we need to start young. "just like a boy/girl" comments when our daughter smiles obediently or our grandson gets himself in a scrape are just not good enough. Adults have real and long lasting influence over children's future adult behaviour so we need to take this responsibility seriously.
Fourth, when appraising, leading or managing teams, practice gender-blind discussions. Imagine the person you're appraising/reprimanding/praising is the opposite gender and see whether this would cause you to change your tone and your words. More importantly, see how you might value, appreciate and judge behaviours differently if stereotypes were removed.
Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady wondered why can't a woman be more like a man? Sadly too many leadership and management behavioural assumptions are that women are fine working and competing equally alongside men, but corporate behaviours are still set by men.
Men and women are different.
In my younger days, when 1960s feminism was about gaining a voice and power we assumed we would need to behave like men in order to take our rightful place beside them, instead of trailing behind them. We've moved forward now - not enough by miles but forward nevertheless. Women's leadership and management styles, their participation and involvement in government and corporate life has been demonstrated again and again to improve performance and value.
It is now up to us to influence corporate behaviour, not simply be more like a man.
Very interesting thoughts. There are so many circumstances when one would benefit from pausing for a second to reflect how what we say or do could be received, and this is not just about gender : Man/Woman. US/Chinese. X-Gen/Y-Gen. We live in a world where occasions to interact with people who have a different cultural framework happen ever more frequently, and we need to practice the art of putting ourselves in the other person's shoes.
ReplyDeleteRobert, I agree with you one hundred percent!
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit late catching up with this. Sorry Tari.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I were talking about this very subject yesterday. We were trying to figure out what, if anything, we could do to move a slider on someone's empathy settings.
We believe that everyone's attitudes and behaviour belong on an 'empathy' continuum. Most people have some kind of balance between the macho male's lack of empathy and the extreme female's abundance of it.
Imagine a rectangle containing a diagonal line from top left to bottom right, you could label the triangle at the top 'female' and the one below it 'male'. We all live at some point along the bottom axis - this is where we'd like to add a slider.
The men that give so much grief have attitudes and behaviour that live at the left end of this continuum (i.e 100% 'male', 0% 'female'). Most of us have a mental mix of the two genders. We all know women who think more like men and vice versa. This has nothing at all to do with their actual sexuality, by the way.
We need to find a way of coaxing those with extreme male settings to shift their slider to the right. But, because of their settings, they're unlikely to even admit that it needs to move.
What an interesting way to measure empathy settings... of course behaviour modification comes in many shapes and sizes. Calling on people when you hear them treating someone/a subject in a sexist way is a must. We let people 'get away' with way too much both in social or professional settings. So maybe many don't admit they need to move their empathy settings, because nobody ever told them they needed to.
DeleteBut the main thing for me is to make sure women don't fall into the trap men have been in for so many centuries. Men and women are different and it's a combination of both strengths that work best. Abusing power is bad in any situation and using gender as a vehicle for power abuse is as bad as any.